grrrrr

driving in this city is making me nuts.  i am starting a new blog  and on that blog i am going to post the license plate numbers and possibly photos of every bad drive i come across in a day.  actually maybe not every one.  that would require that i quit my job in order to blog.  but a lot of them. check it out here.

high heel drag race

Only in dupont!

The Sunny Side of Swine Flu

Rachel's Goma Web Log: The Sunny Side of Swine Flu

the swine flu really sucked. but it is true we hung out and wore fantastic designer swine flu masks.  i will miss you. Rwanda and Ethiopia are only 1000-1500 for flights!!

Navy vs Wake flyover

A recruiter's dream.

This may be more addicting the second time around

My first blog was in 2005. The little "archive" on the side bar tells
me posted 142 times that year. The next year slipped to 34 and
progressivly less each year since. I clearly loved it that first year
but it got hard to make time. I just learned that I can post via text
and email on my iPhone. This is fantastic. 2010 if not 2009 will be
a 150 post year.

Sent from my iPhone

fight or flight

so our bodies naturally go into fight/flight when there is danger or high stress. i recently heard that some of us actually live in a constant state of fight/flight and that we have physiological reactions because of this. for example, we stop using our full lung capacity to breath. as infants we breath deeply into our bellies and exhale fully using much more lung capacity. once we begin to experience the stress of life and fight/flight kicks in we eventually stop breathing fully and only use the top portion of our lungs. as we get older this becomes normal and we don't even remember how to do the full belly breathing. as a result toxins can sit in the bottom of our lungs because they are never worked.

what are the mental effects of being locked in fight/flight? if you spend your youth in a negative home environment or being bullied your physical and mental state must adapt to protect you. how do you break free? I can teach myself the deep belly breathing and release the toxins from my lungs. but how do i teach myself to get out of my own head? how do you release the toxins of your past?

overheard in a coffee shop

blond girl: i was thinking about those students. you know the ones from that really peaceful place in asia.

guy who wants to sleep with her: oh yeah? i am not sure which one you mean.

girl: thailand? no maybe cambodia? hmmm. i can't think of it.

guy: what is there?

girl: really peaceful people and they like use rocks for chalkboards.

guy: maybe you will think of it soon.

girl: yeah. i just can't remember. maybe indonesia? or china? i mean i think the dali lama or some guy who is peaceful is there... TIBET!! it must be Tibet. You know and they are super poor and love peace but the Chinese hate them.

guy: oh yes. Tibet.

girl: i was thinking about them and their rock chalkboards and then i was thinking about anna in her dorm room. what a difference it is for them when anna is always like "oh my god i wonder what i am going to wear tonight."

guy: yes, what a difference.

girl: i mean can you imagine like she went to private school and had all this help to get into private college and all i can think is they like had rocks for chalkboards.

guy: yes very interesting

the joys of urban living

today i was a casualty of police pepper spray (i was not the intended target i just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time). of the many joys of urban living, this one comes highly recommended. not only does pepper spray burn like crazy, it also makes you feel blind for about 30 seconds and activates all the mucousy parts of your face. what this means is that while you are attempting to rip your eyes out, your skin is burning, snot and tears are pouring out of your eyes and nose and you are damn near hyperventilating because you don't know how to make it stop. and in my case it is all happening on the metro platform where being blind is a major disadvantage.

luckily i had a water bottle and i dumped water all over my face, not really cause i thought the burning would stop but because i had more snot on my face than a pre-school has on its walls. it was horrible. my eyes were red for about 45 minutes and they burned for about 4 hours. now i only have a headache. but boy am i excited for my next metro ride.

Last House on the Left

I was just visually assaulted by a preview for a movie titled Last House on the Left. The preview was so horrifying that I went straight to the internet and looked it up. I read all about the 1972 version and how the 2009 version is a remake. I am struggling to understand why this movie was made once let alone twice!!

i went to the astrologer....

and he told me my future. he also told me my past. the weird part was he didn't speak english and asked me no questions before he started. so based on my birthday, my palm, and my tarot reading he pretty much told me everything i had ever suspected and a couple things that shocked me about myself. for 20$ i would do it again. as an added bonus the guy happened to work at the "reclining buddah" temple so i saw that too.

is it bad that i want to go just so i can make fun?

i was going to write a mean spirited post that pretty much bashed anyone who actually believes that "most dinosaurs were reasonably small-the size of a sheep or a pony" and could therefore ALL fit on the ark. then i realized i don't really need to to bash these people. the pictures make it pretty clear they are crazy.

conservative is relative

i brought the black one piece. i will be wearing the "ladies swimming costume". i guess it could be worse. I could be wearing the Burqini.

more tid bits

~ the donkey left. now there are two dogs and a goat. i think the chickens were eaten

~ butter here is really tasty but the tea is lipton which i don't understand

~ bananas are the size of a tall shot glass but very yummy

random bits of info

~ today i had the best thai chicken soup. it seemed weird cause this isn't thailand

~ there is a donkey outside my window. two houses over there are chickens on the roof

~ five calls to prayer a day but the only ones i ever hear happen to be at midnight and 5 am

Help cure breast cancer

This year, I'll be participating in a very special event, the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

I'll walk 60 miles over three days with thousands of others. The net proceeds will support breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment through Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund.

I've agreed to raise at least $2,200 in donations. So I need your help. Would you please consider making a donation? You can give online at www.The3Day.org. Just follow the link below to visit my personal fundraising webpage and make a donation. You can also call 800.996.3DAY to donate over the phone.

According to Susan G. Komen for the Cure, approximately 200,000 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and nearly 40,000 will die from the disease. Breast cancer can hit at any age. My mother and my closest friend are survivors of breast cancer. That's why I'm walking 60 miles. To do something bold about breast cancer. To walk for a cure. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me - by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.

Thank you in advance for your generosity!


P.S. Ask your employer if they will double your donation through a matching gift program!

Click here to visit my personal page. Or click the title of this post.

my celebrity look alikes

%1

Help me pick a boot!! Leave a comment on the one you like.

things i heard at work today

once i kicked a head off a pigeon.

my first word was shit.

when chuck norris gives you the finger he is telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

I'm Back

It may be sporadic but I promise to blog at least once a month starting today.
And I will update the blog links. And I will respond to comments. Promise.
Talk to you soon!
caprice

welcome to winter

we have no heat at my part time job.
this sucks as it is 20 F outside and the wind makes it feel like 2 F.
so it is 38 F inside.
my fingers are blue.
my boss got us a propane heater.
she said she was terrified of it.
then she caught her $500 sweater on fire.
we were all terrified.

the boss said "there is cause for terror. but there is no other option."

customer service at the DC DMV. NOT!

i know that you all already know that there is no such thing as customer service in DC and that the place where you get the least is the DMV. i know that i should just let it roll off my back, that it shouldn't upset me, or even be so important that I blog about it.

too late.

why have a "customer service hotline" if you refuse to provide customer service? really, this is not a rhetorical question Mayor Fenty, can you please explain to me why we are paying people to answer phone calls if the only response they know to give is "i don't know the answer speak to Ms. Spellman?" i would also like to know, how is one to speak to Ms. Spellman when she is never there and her voicemail is full so no messages can be left?

i can't imagine that i am the only person to experience this nonsense. in fact i bet the 5 people who called before me experienced close to the exact same thing. i suspect this because i called at 3:38 pm and it happened, again at 3:45 pm and it happened and finally at 3:54 pm. thank god i had learned my lesson by the third call and knew to say immediately "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO MS. SPELLMAN. HER VOICEMAIL IS FULL AND I CANNOT GET THROUGH. PLEASE!!! I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION AND I HAVE CALLED THREE TIMES CAN YOU JUST FIND THE ANSWER?!!!

If you have not experienced the joy of calling the DC DMV i don't suggest you ever try. however, if you don't believe how truly awful it is and need proof that not only do people in in DC pay exorbitant taxes but to boot, they barely have any services to show for those taxes then give it a try. 202-727-5000. it will not matter which service line you pick, go for any of them. you have a 2 out of 3 chance of being yelled at by an angry "customer service" woman. it is really enough to make you move to maryland. Welcome to the Capital.

who knew?

walgreens is opened on the 25.
walgreens has a "beauty advisor". pictures to follow
walgreens sells "press on" toenails. there are 96 in a pack.
does that make any sense?

ridiculous coversations

after football (there was lots of drinking and some dancing)
mikey: this is what makes a man; emotions, beer and sports.

out shopping
caprice: so the tag says it is a dress, but it might be a shirt
ray u: come out.
caprice: do you think it is a dress?
ray u: A DRESS FOR WHORE'S!!!
caprice: great. i am getting it.


after football part 2
mikey: want to smoke?
goddog: sure. i'll take a puff of your pee poh.

keeping up

why is it that the older we get, the more we need our friends, and the harder it is to keep up with them.
it doesn't make sense. we have email, and cellphone and regular phone, and chat, and im, and text message and blog and whatever else. but the more i chat and talk and text the farther away i feel.
maybe it is time to write some letters.

food in japan

ok, so i am naturally a picky eater. i don't like my food to touch and i eat one thing at a time. but i travel a lot and i am willing to try most things. once. but dear god some of the stuff in japan was a stretch. my gag reflex kicked in before i even put it in my mouth.

for example: fish worms (small pink things that look like worms with eyes but everyone insists are fish)

green jello with fish in it.

lobster mousse

why is the question i keep asking. no longer do i ask what i am eating. i am now concerned with question why is anyone eating it. at one point i was offered a plate which contained what appeared to be a fish. in actuality it was only fish skin and bones. all the meat was removed and then the skin and bones were fried, intact, and served with the eyes. think of it as a cross between beef jerky and fried pig skin (neither of which i eat).

i should say that the beef was really good and i ate that whenever i could. i even ate tongue which had a pretty good flavor but was kind of tough. but on the whole i was starving. thank god there is a 7/11 in tokyo.

japan II

there was an earthquake
it was small but it was cool
the whole city shook

japan

so i am in the apple store blogging from GINZA, which is the shopping distract of TOKYO. TOKYO rocks! but the keys are in a foriegn language as is the blog interface so this will be short.

fabulous japan
never did i imagine
a land of shopping

aoife's haiku

life moves us apart
but some hearts and souls are close
our bond is special

where are you?

when i started my blog it was a really fun way to keep up with my friends and meet new peeps on the internet. now people are posting less, removing blogs, changing addresses. what is the deal? i miss you guys.

fantastiku

hey fantastiku
this haiku is just for you
cause you so funny

Thank you

for surprising me
the party was fantastic
and so was the pie

bye bye tims

ltims whims formally departed from the blog world today. my understanding is that the blog is gone forever (no more haikus) but that she will remain a blog lurker for some time.

an haiku for tims
parting is such sweet sorrow
maybe try my space?

weekend ramblings II

or
dear caveman, why don't you attack me, my friends, and my blog. again.

on friday i had this "beertail" called a skip and go naked. it was beer, gin, lemon juice, and grenadine. i didn't skip or go naked but it was still good.

it started raining on saturday and it didn't stop until wed. it flooded the street and houses and the metro. have you ever heard of the metro flooding before? i have to admit i am slightly more concerned about flooding metros than what the terror alert level is.

voluptuously is a word. be honest, how many people knew that? and those that say they did, i would like to hear that in a sentence.

I DON'T WANT FRANCE TO WIN!!!!!!!! and italy robbed australia. well actually the ref robbed australia. what is the deal with that? did anyone else think that becks looked old? posh should really take him to whoever does her botox.

weekend ramblings

how is acceptable that someone who has been suspended for cheating would have the opportunity to ref again? the usa vs italy game was today. the ref was awful. he was not allowed to ref in the last world cup. hmmm.

why is the right thing so hard to do? why do emotions cloud things? how do you stop that from happening? i am reading cs lewis right now. he is talking about need love versus gift love. i guess need love gets in the way. we are only thinking about what we need in that moment and never about what we could give or what is being given to us.

why are families so dysfunctional? why is it so much easier to deal with your own family dysfunction? wouldn't life, and especially relationships, be easier if you never had to deal with anyone's family? that saying-when you marry the person, you marry the family-that sucks. and i think it is a lie. or at least everyone should work extra hard to make it false.

do you think that there is life in space? i watched this movie that said that life at the really scary black part of the ocean is probably how life on europa is. europa is a moon. who knew? i kind of hope it is not true since the "life" they showed us was billions, and i really mean billions, of really disgusting looking shrimp that could live in toxic ocean gas that was 750 degrees fahrenheit. yuck. that is more primal than roaches. no thanks.

places i have been

are in red. places i need to go are in white




create your own visited countries map

self portrait

here it is. part of the self i have been trying to find. i am still not sure exactly who i am or what i want but i think i am on the right path. eventually i will know. i wonder if it will be a flash of understanding, like when some bizarre philosophy that you have been struggling with suddenly comes clear. or will it be an awakening, like when you fall into happiness or contentment. either way i am excited that i have at least found the path.

battle of the sexes is NOT a fun party game

but i still agreed to play.
to my team and my opponents, i let my bitterness at the game take over and i acted ridiculous.
i am sorry.

god is talking, are you listening?

Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.
"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms. There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

if i heard the lord right, and i am fairly i certain that i did, he said that everyone who reads my blog is going to send me money so that i can get out of debt and open my own store in dubai. ARE YOU LISTENING?!!! GOD SAID!!!!!! email me and i will send you the address that you can post your checks to. i take credit cards as well.

my sister is very brave

she is following in brave cressida's footsteps; last week she packed up here stuff and moved to sunny california.
she wants to be an actress, and even though i make tons of fun of her and call her an aspiring waitress, i secretly think it was a brave thing to do.
she is living in LA all by herself without a job and no friends because she really believes that she can make it. she legally changed her name, bought a new car, gave away one of her cats, and drove, literally, across the country. she left her boyfriend and more importantly, our mom behind in the horse capital of the world.

i realize that a lot of us have moved away for school or a job but i don't know if i would be brave enough to just move for nothing but a chance. she did. and tomorrow will mark her one week anniversary into adulthood and possible stardom.

congratulations sis, and well done!!

can bad luck be a disease?

and once you catch it can you ever get rid of it?

when i was 17 i hit this guy's car in the high school parking lot. i had a 1982 chrysler 5th Avenue. it was 1998. he had a brand new ford explorer.

when i was 18 i rear ended my boyfriend. my car was totaled. he made me buy him a new bumper even though it wasn't even scratched. we broke up.

when i was 20 i was rear ended in my volvo by a crazy lady in an SUV. she was talking on the phone. i was stopped at a crosswalk. my car was totaled. i was forced to buy a much crappier one.

three weeks ago a pedestrian in the little city walked out in front of a truck. the truck slammed on its brakes, another truck hit the first truck. i hit the second truck and my car front went underneath. my car was totaled. no damage to either truck. the pedestrian didn't even stop, she just headed into the museum like j-walking wasn't a crime.

this week my roommate let me borrow her car. today it was broken into via the passenger's side window. the idiot who did it reached in and opened the other doors, popped the trunk, threw everything onto the side walk and only stole the jumper cables.

where oh where have the smart people gone?

sometimes i feel like i am not as smart as my peers.
sometimes i feel like other people are not as smart as me.
sometimes i feel like most people are not as smart as the people who are not as smart as me.

i realize that this sounds incredibly arrogant. sorry for that. but really people, how did we get to be so stupid?

things i have heard in real life:

"i think that van gogh (pronounced van-go-ch) guy painted that ceiling in italy"

"what language do they speak in italy?"

"is the gulf war in florida?"

"what time is the three o clock parade?"

and my absolute favorite,

Girl One: "the pope is not catholic he is jewish, he wears that little beanie on his head."
Girl Two: "no, he is not jewish. he is multicultralistic, the king of all the religions."

The joy of living in Afghanistan

Abdul Rahman is on trial in Afghanistan for becoming a Christian. He converted 16 years ago as an aid worker helping refugees in Pakistan.

Lucky for him, the “new” constitution in Afghanistan is based on shar’ia, which according to the trail judge’s interpretation means Rahman should be put to death for “rejecting Islam”.
The trail judge says the he will invite Abdul Rahman back to Islam again because, “the religion of Islam is one of tolerance. We will ask him if he has changed his mind. If so we will forgive him. But if he refuses to reconvert, then his mental state will be considered” before he is put to death.

AWESOME.

Let’s all pray that right-wing religious beliefs don’t take infiltrate the USA. Oh, wait...

people

i just don't get you
one minute things are good then
it all goes down hill

Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson, who is clearly a voice of reason, much like Dr. James Dobson of a previous post, just referred to Muslims as “crazed fanatics” who are “motivated by demonic power”.

In a manner that could be called nothing except for rational, he went on to say that they were “satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with. Islam is not a religion of peace…the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen whether you like it or not, is world domination”.

Robertson, who claims to be filled with Christ’s love, suggested that American agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. He also claimed the stroke that left Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon in a coma was God's punishment for Israel's withdrawal from the Gaza Strip.

Robertson, lucky for us, has his own website and his own televison program and his own college to help spread his peaceful messages of hate, bigotry, murder, conspiracy, and retribution in the name of god.

God bless us, every one.

How much will you pay for PENIS?

There's a restaurant in Beijing whose specialty is animal penis. Check out the menu here. From $40 to $400, you can get ox, yak, dog, donkey, and seal penises. Just like mom used to make. Or not.

That says dog. You read it right.

why god why!?!?!?

it happened.
i found one sticking out of the top of my head. just sticking straight up; shorter, coarser and obviously lighter than all the other ones. it clearly didn't belong there and so i plucked it. plucked my first fucking grey hair. it was horrible. it wasn't even grey. if i am honest it was white. short and white and horrible and it had clearly been lurking for some time. well it is gone now and i will pluck myself bald before i accept that my hair is turning grey. sigh.

farewell my friend

flavia, you rock
i don’t even like coffee
but you made it good

I am starting a new job. I will not have an office to myself, there will be no windows, and perhaps the saddest part… there will be no Flavia. This is my third and last post dedicated to the wonder of the Flavia which, as you guys know, gives me a great deal of joy; a beverage machine with endless possibilities that cleans itself and is free. Besides providing me a constant flow of warm beverages, the Flavia is also where I go for office gossip, camaraderie, and chit-chat. I am sad to leave the warm embrace of hot chocolate, coffee, and tea.

my list

I haven’t blogged in forever. Everything in my life has changed. It’s not that I have nothing to share it is more that I don’t really know how to share it. I guess a list is best.

I moved out of my place with baconscraps

I got a roommate; my roommate moved out

I made new friends; I am about to lose one of them. I am watching it happen and I want to stop it but it seems like I just make it worse

I am getting a new roommate this week

I sent 500 text messages in January and I didn’t have a text plan

I feel a little overwhelmed sometimes; it just hits me in a wave I have no control over

I haven’t really been able to cry; I did tonight

I am scared

I miss my mom

I am excited for all the things I could do next

shout out

PRA-PRA Princess Power!!!!

don't try this at the office

In schools all over London, apparently, break-times are seeing boys running into the toilet to masturbate furiously, collect their jizz in the palms of their hands, then go out and find a younger kid...then slap them in the face while shouting "SEAGULL!"

what is there to say?

Poor US soldiers - not only do they get sent to die in Iraq, now they're having their funerals hijacked by religious nut jobs. At a recent military funeral the God Hates Fags movement dragged the flag on the ground while carrying signs that said "Thank God for dead soldiers". They also protested at the funerals of the miners who died in the Sago mine disaster, with signs stating, "Aids cures fags" and "fags burn in hell".

Their point appears to be that bad things happen because God is angry that some people are gay.

God Hates Fags was the brainchild of Kansas Baptist preacher Fred Phelps, and is dedicated to "preaching the Gospel truth about the soul-damning, nation-destroying notion that it is OK to be gay."

I am thinking of starting a group called God is Not a Bigot.

Of mice and men

A pub in Queensland held a Jackass promotion night which ended in two men chewing the tails off live mice to try to win a vacation. Tony McGee drank beer and bourbon for six hours before the contest, during which he set off a mouse trap with his tongue, sucked up chillies through a straw, ate a cup of maggots, and drank a pint of anchovies and a pint of mouthwash. He was so drunk that he has no memory of eating the mouse-tail. After leaving court, where he was fined $500, journalists asked McGee if he had any advice for other competitors. His response: "Don't eat mice."

Two things: 1, GROSS!!!!; 2, all that and i don't think he even won the vacation. sad really.

OH MY GOD IT IS A MIRACLE

The firewalls are down and I have been able to read my blog for the first time in ages!!!
I have so many things that I want to tell you guys. Where to start?
First, a woman married a dolphin. Yes, it is true, in a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, some freak decided to marry a dolphin. Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, the bride got down on one knee on the dock and gave the dolphin a kiss; and a piece of herring.
When asked if she had a boyfriend, she replied, "No. I'm going to end up with Cindy" (that is the dolphin). But the bride said she would keep open the option of marrying a human at some stage. But for now she is strictly a one-dolphin woman.
Also, if anyone gets a chance to see the new eve ensler show, I highly recommend it. Guys, you should see it too. It is not the vagina monologues but it is still great. Check out this review and look at the good body website.

it's an aardvark!!!!!

this weekend i was walking in dupont and some guy was walking his dog. the dog was huge and very excited. he ran up to a homeless man and started sniffing him. the homeless man started jumping up and down screaming, "oh my god, oh my god!! it's an aardvark! it's an aardvark!" then he just stopped and said "oh you're a dog" and walked away.

Happy New Year!!!!

chronic-les of Narnia...it's funny

click here to watch

effective advertising

salsa

sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to just let go. to only focus on what is right in front of you. to just trust your instincts, the natural ones, not the ones society teaches you. i watched a salsa lesson and that is what it looked like: the people who were good had this natural ability to just let go, to be comfortable in their bodies and to just see what happened. the people who were uncomfortable, were unsure of how to move, they knew that people were watching them, they cared about the consequences. sometimes i want to forget about the consequences.

RC hearts corduroy (the bear) and other tidbits

RU this blog's for you.

they make backpacks that are bullet proof.

AH passed out in my spare bedroom on christmas night and we wrote stuff on his face with a sharpie. it was a blue sharpie.

i got a harry potter doll for xmas. it has a broom and a cape. very realistic actually.

MM is a very thoughtful friend. He called back when we texted him at 5am on boxing day.

wolf creek is a horrible movie and i want to know why it opened on christmas.

PE you are awesome. Drinking in movie theatres: BRILLIANT.

do you guys think nick, jess or both had an affair?

Cressida, thanks for my scottie PJ's. I heart them.

L-tims, come home soon. it has been forever.

february is the worst month of all.

RS? where are you? have you forsaken the small city for the land of sunshine and the arnold?

one day i will be warm. oh yeah, LB gave me a cool electric throw. Thanks!!!

something i have to remind myself...

sad day

baconscraps’ grandfather died yesterday. we will be spending almost all of our holiday in the car and on planes trying to make it to louisiana for a wake. i am sad for baconscraps because he already hates christmas and this will just make it harder for him. also, i am scared to see new orleans since all the katrina destruction. it is all just sad. very, very sad.

Winter Wonderland

ungranted christmas wishes

click here to view my directorial debut.

uhmmm. ok, you're a freak

Joel Krupnik and Mildred Castellanos decked the front of their Manhattan mansion this year with a scene that includes a knife-wielding 5-foot-tall St. Nick and a tree full of decapitated Barbie dolls. Hidden partly behind a tree, the merry old elf grasps a disembodied doll's head with fake blood streaming from its eye sockets.
Krupnik says the display is intended to call attention to the commercialization of Christmas.

right. well, all i see is a decapitated doll with blood on her face.

my holiday "soapbox" moment

wow.
the lion the witch and the wardrobe is fantastic. i read the books as a kid and re-read them as an adult but, i was skeptical of the movie due to the “overt christianity/proselytizing” claims in many of the reviews. the christian symbolism is there if you know what you are looking for. Aslan makes the ultimate sacrifice, Edmund is “saved” twice—once by Aslan’s sacrifice and again by a red colored liquid which he drinks, the white witch is evil and offers immediate gratification but leaves you cold and empty, etc, you get the point.
however, the deeper message goes way beyond christian principles and touches you in a profound way, deep within your heart maybe even your soul. it is that place that yearns for a better world, that wishes for kindness and innocence. it touches you regardless of your religious beliefs because it is not really about religion. it is about love for humanity and hope that we will care enough to display the goodness that we are capable of.
i loved it, please see it.

squirrels gone wild...

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park. Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute. They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh. A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.
what the....? a pine cone shortage. my god, eat the leaves or something!

deperately seeking blog

blogspot says you can email posts to your blog. if you are reading this it worked. if you are not, then it was bounced back.

THANK GOD!!! MY BLOG IS BACK UP AT WORK!!!

but who knows for how long. better enjoy it while i can.

when stupidity pays

The Stella Awards are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's for millions.
This years runners up are:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas won $14,500 after being bitten on the arse by his neighbour's beagle. Mr Williams was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun at the time.
Amber Carson was paid $113,500 by a Philadelphia restaurant after she broke her back from slipping on a soft drink which she had just thrown at her boyfriend.
Kara Walton of Delaware sued a nightclub and won $12,000 after falling from a bathroom window and knocking out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
The winner is:
Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma who purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago. On her first trip, she drove on the freeway, set the cruise control at 70 mph and went out back to make a sandwich. She crashed. Then sued for the manual not advising her not to do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company then changed their manuals on the basis of this suit.

Nelson's blog (since he doesn't have his own)

Insensitive, cruel comments, making light of human tragedy inserted in red.

Man Pleads Guilty in Horse-Sex Case
A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing in connection with a fatal horse-sex case. [in order to make this news-worthy, they felt the need to specify that this was a “fatal horse-sex case”; and why was the man only guilty of trespassing?]
James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan to have sex with a horse [dumb-ass, you are pleading guilty of TRESPASSING – couldn’t you come up with a better reason?], charging papers said. Tait was videotaping the episode [no doubt with the intention of black-mailing the horse later] when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death [oh, come on! What happened? You don’t spontaneously suffer internal injuries! Did the husband horse find out and went on a rampage? Was the (mad)cow jealous? We’ll just have to wait for the video, I guess. Don’t you just hate the media nowadays? First it was: “Your kids can die at any moment – we’ll tell you how at 11:00” Now we get “You can die from internal injuries while enjoying sex with your favorite barn animal, more on that later but, first, here’s a look at traffic”].
Tait pleaded guilty Tuesday and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors. [what about contact with horses? This guy’s lawyer is gooood.]
The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses. [just wait til the video hits the internet - horses have feelings too]
[Remember, this was a simple story about a guy pleading guilty to trespassing into a neighbor’s barn. If the horse sex is left out, here’s how it would read:]

Man Pleads Guilty
A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing.
James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan, charging papers said, when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death.
Tait pleaded guilty Tuesday and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors.
The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses.
[now every time I read a human tragedy story, I will insert the words “in connection with a fatal horse-sex case” and “to have sex with a horse”. Try it, it’ fun.]

real tree weekend

we are getting a tree. we have never done it before. how do you pick? once upon a time i thought, a tree is a tree is a tree. but the 45$ versus the 150$ price tag has alerted me to the fact that this is not the case. somebody give me the details, is finding the perfect tree like finding the perfect man or do i stand a chance?

a sad, sad day

Today, at approximately 2:45pm all blogs were blocked from my company computer. All of them, every single one.

he didn't take his tamiflu

thank god for my driver’s license and my US passport

Four Saudi women teaching in a remote village school have married their driver so they can live closer to work, Al-Watan newspaper said on Monday.
The newspaper said the women from Al-Baha province in south-west Saudi Arabia were impressed with the man's "good morals" and decided to marry him and live together in the village where they teach -- avoiding a tiring daily commute.
They were married in a short ceremony, and have agreed to pay the driver a share of their monthly salaries, Al-Watan said.
Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia, while men can marry up to four women according to Islamic law.
Originall,y women drivers was an unofficial ban, but it became law in 1990, when 47 women from the Saudi intelligentsia challenged the authorities by taking their husbands' and brothers' cars out for a drive. However, a recent column in the newspaper al-Watan actually blamed women for causing traffic accidents, saying they interfere too much as backseat drivers.

in light of how much i hate the new harry potter movie i thought we could have a quiz

I scored as Albus Dumbledore
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?

can we make it a class action

A viewer has sued NBC for $2.5 million over a "Fear Factor" rat-eating episode, alleging the episode made him dizzy, lightheaded and caused him to vomit and run into a doorway. (From the Associated Press, January 26, 2005)

fear factor made me throw up and have nightmares after i saw the animal penis roast episode. for those of you who missed it, 4 people, 4 different animal penises, 4 sticks, and one fire. they had to roast and eat the entire thing without throwing up. are you sick yet? Do you think we can sue?

the politician "formerly" known as a white supremacist

David Duke, a "former" white supremacist, on a recent trip to Syria claimed he represented "peace-loving" Americans who identified with "peace-loving" Syrians and their "great, peace-loving president," Bashar Assad and his family. He also said that Americans identify with Syria, because both Syria and the United States are "occupied by war-loving Zionists."
i cannot believe people are buying this rubbish. a man who is the former grand wizard of the kkk is calling a family who is responsible for the deaths of over 30,000 innocent villagers (in two days) "peace loving".
what is a war loving zionist? better yet, who is a war loving zionist?
and former my ass. that white hood is hanging in the back of his closet so he can take it out and remember the "old" days with fond memories.

Syrian parliamentarian Muhammad Habash welcomed what he called "Duke's wonderful visit" and said it had given Syrians "a new and very positive view of the average American."
what could be more positive than all of syria thinking that america is full of minority hating bigots? i guess after we kill all the war loving zionists we will attack woman and gay people. won't that be a beautiful day for all the "peace loving" people that Duke and Assad represent.

David Duke said the United States is "occupied" by Zionists, just like the Golan Heights. "It is not just the West Bank of Palestine, it is not just the Golan Heights that are occupied by the Zionists, but Washington D.C., and New York, and London, and many other capitals in the world," he said. "Your fight for freedom is the same as our fight for freedom." Duke said that the "Zionists" were in control of most of the American media and much of the government as well as major international cities.
god dammit, ever since those zionists occupied the USA, we haven't been able to spout anti-semitic, racist propaganda. and dammit all to hell, they also think it should be illegal for white separtists movements to have weapons. i think we should just secede.

seriously, soon Duke will be claiming that there is a "jewish conspiracy" and that Protocols of the Elders of Zion is true. and just to clarify, in this city at least, Jews or "war loving Zionists" as Duke opined, make up only 1% of the population. According to the 2001 American Religious Identification Survey, nearly four out of five District residents self-identified as Christians. This breaks down to 72% Christian, 13% stating no religion, and minor religions including 4% Buddhist, 2% Muslim, and 1% Jewish.

Duke was elected to the Louisiana Legislature in 1989.
this nut job is working to help minorities in louisiana? right. and GWB deserves a nobel peace prize.

naked criminal

A naked Florida man was accidentally shocked in the genitals by a police Taser while breaking windows and asking women to touch him inappropriately.

how do you "accidentally" Taser someone in the genitals? Doesn't it seem like having to bend down, extend your arm towards the genitals, make contact and then Taser is a little more complex than an accident?

but really, who cares if it was accidental? it seems to me that if you commit crimes while nude, you are taking an unnecessary risk with your genitals in the first place.

here she is...miss crack cocaine

what the hell is going on with brazil and beauty pagents?

South America's latest beauty queen won't be campaigning abroad for world peace any time soon, unless, of course, she's granted early parole.
Angelica Mazua, a statuesque Angolan serving five years on international drug smuggling charges, on Thursday was voted Miss Penitentiary 2005 after a six-hour contest pitting 40 women inmates from 10 prisons around Brazil's largest city, Sao Paulo.
The women, serving sentences for crimes from armed robbery to drug trafficking, were vying to be named Miss Penitentiary 2005 — a title that brings a $160 prize and a break from dreary routine.
Last year's winner, Fernanda Maria de Jesus, gained early release months after her victory, but prison officials insist the shortened sentence had nothing to do with her winning the title.
Prison officials came up with the idea of a beauty contest last year as a way of trying to boost inmates' self-confidence. Judges include celebrities, soccer players and journalists, and there are prizes in three other categories, writing, public speaking and congeniality.
who pays for this stuff?

are you an underestimator?

Thanksgiving with the Jones

we are not going home and i am to lazy to cook. so this is it; turkey flavoured soda. at least they have pie flavors to wash down the brussel sprout. i hope the rest of you are enjoying your turkey, baconscraps is very jealous.

Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!

I thought you may need to amuse yourselves at work today. How about a little chest waxing. DO NOT click HERE if you like David Hasselhoff.

Spanking the monkey

Now that Michael Jackson has fled to Bahrain, Paris Hilton is filling the "crazy celebrity with monkey" void by walking around Los Angeles with her pet primate, called Baby Luv. However, when she visited Agent Provocateur, Baby Luv went bananas, biting Paris and clawing at her face. Paris tied the monkey to a cabinet, then bought $400 of panties. Ominously for Baby Luv, she also purchased a bullwhip.

(FYI: Michael Jackson reportedly disciplined his chimp Bubbles by shaving his arse.)

just for the sake of argument

Amendment II
A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
mi·li·tia
1 a : a part of the organized armed forces of a country liable to call only in emergency
b : a body of citizens organized for military service
2: the whole body of able-bodied male citizens declared by law as being subject to call to military service
state
1 a : a politically organized body of people usually occupying a definite territory; especially : one that is sovereign
b : the political organization of such a body of people
c : a government or politically organized society having a particular character, a police state
2 : the operations or concerns of the government of a country
3 : one of the constituent units of a nation having a federal government
4 : the territory of a state

Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary
militia
a military force which only operates for some of the time and whose members often have other jobs
state
1 a country or its government
POLITICAL UNIT
2 a part of a large country with its own government, such as in Germany, Australia or the US

what do you guys think? do american's have a constitutional right to bear arms?

Irish stereotypes

A nursing home in Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub.

St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer.

"We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.

The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said.

Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.

only in america

5) Do 47% of people think you can catch Bird Flu from eating chicken.

4) Can you buy a house with a wife included

3) Are disgruntled lovers using superglue on hair and well, anywhere

2) Can you buy these items

1) Among 18- to 24-year-olds given maps:
87 percent cannot find Iraq
83 percent cannot find Afghanistan
76 percent cannot find Saudi Arabia
70 percent cannot find New Jersey
49 percent cannot find New York
11 percent cannot find the United States

I love this country.

popbitch news

It's hard to believe it was only one year ago that George W Bush was re-elected President. Since then he seems to have lost almost every single friend. Even his own family.
One Popbitch reader was at a Texas dinner party recently and sat next to a friend of Barbara Bush, Dubya's mother. Over the meal she confided that the Bush family only ever called the President by his rather patronising family nickname, "Junior". And that on a recent hunting trip she'd asked Barbara what George was like.
"Junior? Hmmmm..." Barbara apparently sighed. "He's not like the rest of us."
Mrs Bush's friend leant towards our source to explain.
"Here in Texas... that means he's stupid."

(FYI: Actually Dubya does have one fan - 50 Cent.
He's been defending the President from Kanye West's attacks, saying, "The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God. People responded to it the best way they can.")

god's mistake

Baconscraps just informed me that possums are
“god’s mistake”. He said it in a completely serious manner, like saying President Bush was elected for a third term or something that grievous in nature.

Caprice: God’s mistake?

BS: Yes. They are completely disgusting. They aren’t even symmetrical.

Caprice: Symmetrical?

BS: Yes. Their appendages are in funky places and the scuttle like bugs. Their hair is matted and patchy. I hate them and wish they were all dead.

Caprice: Oh.

barbie's bad cousin

maybe ken needs a new woman after all.
barbie's bad cousin may help him shake up his style.

barbie and ken to reunite

for those of you who were concerned:
Almost two years after the closely watched celebrity couple split after a 43-year romance, Ken is considering a makeover in an effort to win his doll baby back. This wouldn’t be the first time Ken reinvented himself. In the 1970s and ’80s, he took up inline skating and boogied to disco tunes; in the ’90s he focused on his careers as a businessman, baseball player, explorer and rock star.
In early 2004, Barbie split with Ken and headed to a California beach, where she caught the eye of Blaine, an Australian boogie boarder.

The message here must be: you do drugs, you get babes

A model parades in front of street children, some of whom are sniffing glue, in the drug-infested 'Barrio Triste' (Sad Neighborhood) in downtown Medellin in Colombia November 7, 2005. The event was organised to entertain the children by a member of a local charity that helps children in Barrio Triste by providing food, clothes and cleaning facilities. REUTERS/Albeiro Lopera
Reuters - Nov 08 8:59 AM

there are so many things wrong with this that i have decided to just let the pictures and the caption speak for themselves.

my goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is...

Ass Machine G
What's yours?

Ok, I don't really know where this headed. G I get. But Ass Machine?

Powered by Rum and Monkey.

Bombings in Jordan

this makes me so angry that i wish i had the job of catching these guys.
it makes me shake with rage to know that someones relatives have been blown up at a FUCKING WEDDING. what kind of target is that? that is not about war, or even revenge. that is just random acts of violence and hatred. and it hurts my heart to know that our loved ones are never safe. how many more times will we have to frantically call our friends in indonesia or the mid east or new york, or london or here?!!!

remember the magic beverage machine?

well today i got a company mug with my name on it!!!
this has definitely increased my level of obsession with said machine. and i just learned that there is a website from which to order even more flavours!!! i think i gonna like it here!!

GOTV Part 1.5

The other side “Got out the Vote”. My candidate lost to the incumbent of ten years. She stomped her foot in the debate. She publicly claimed that when she doesn’t understand a bill, she just votes how “they” tell her too. Who are they? I don’t think they are the voters. But the most appalling is when she refers to gay and lesbian voters as “you people.”

Why do we vote by party and not by principle? Who thinks that “you people” is ever appropriate? Isn’t that like calling a black person “boy?” It has the same connotation. So really, regardless of what you actually believe about gay rights, or even gay people, doesn’t public decorum condemn the use of “you people?” Isn't it a matter of principle?

Get out the Vote Part I

I spent the weekend working on a political campaign. I really love politics but I would be a horrible politician. It’s the mood swings that do me in; the whole wear your emotions on your sleeve and a temper bigger than Howard Dean’s will always keep me off the ballot. But maybe it is better that way. I don’t know if I want all those people in my house, literally. This time around “headquarters” for “Get out the Vote” weekend was in the candidate’s house. So at any given moment 30-60 people could just be chilling on the couch or the porch or trying to use the bathroom. That water bill is going to be outrageous.

In 2004 I worked on a local election in England. I found myself hanging out with the candidate and her family. I had never met these people, I didn’t live in their country let alone their neighborhood and yet I found my self having fish n chips with them two nights in a row. They were nice, I did a lot of leafleting for them, and they had a shrine to Merlin. You are thinking that they have a shelf of Merlin statues and that I am just exaggerating for the sake of amusement. I am not. I really mean a shrine. A three foot alcove covered with Plexiglas; inside, a painting of Merlin and a small shelve for candles. Beneath the candles, a very large piece of statuary which the candidate informed me was her “most prized possession.” She bought it with her inheritance. It’s a round wooden table that seats all of King Arthur’s Knights. Statues of Guinevere, Merlin and King Arthur complete the piece. They have gems for eyes.

On the flip side of weird candidates are the weird constituents. Canvassing, literature drops, and just plain old solicitation were the activities for the weekend—before you say anything, it was not solicitation like prostitution! It was solicitation as in standing in parking lots asking people to vote, specifically to vote for the candidate I work for. I was attacked by two dogs and a man with Confederate flags on his truck told me to fuck off. You never know what you’re going to get when you “Get out the Vote.” An elderly woman asked if our candidate was pro-life or pro-abortion. We explained that he was pro-choice and she asked again, “does that mean he is pro choice or pro abortion?” We brace for verbal assault and explain that he believes that every woman has the right to choose. The assault never comes; instead this little old lady says “Thank God, I am tired of the government telling people what to do with their bodies!! And by the way, is Jesus Christ your savior?”

Part II tomorrow. Remember to Vote.

animal lover

Huddersfield (England) man Martin Hoyle was spotted by a passing motorist having sex with a Staffordshire bull terrier called Badger. Hoyle told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me. The dog pulled my trousers down."

what is there to say to this? i mean really, if you are the police officer who has to take this report, what do you say?

scam alert

i think my mom is trapped in the body of a 16 year old. first it was naked men in my in box and now it is this. she finds this particularly hilarious because she sent it to well over 100 people and she sent it to me twice. anyway, in case you were unsure, here is some good advice: this is a scam-don't put your boobies on a cardboard box that a man is wearing on his head.

serial killer or geek squad?

KILLER QUIZ

i got 7/10
how did you do?

That squirrel is smart, he made a house out of food