do any of you know the recipe for crack?

So I am still part-time at the bookstore. Don’t ask why because I have no answer for you, maybe because I am masochistically inclined? Anyway, three new stories and yes, one of them does involve the bathroom.

The kids department has a table and benches. Not the kind that you or I would sit at, but the kind for kids and by kids I mean infant to around 7. So this GINORMOUS family; mom, dad, and kid sit down at the table. They proceed to unpack a full lunch from subway including foot long sandwiches for each of them with chips and a drink. Then they start eating their food and reading magazines like the bookstore is their house or something. What makes people think it is ok to couch out in the bookstore? Despite what you may think, this is not your house—go home!!!

Two kids were having sex in the women’s bathroom and someone complained. Had to send someone in to tell them that only women were allowed in the women’s bathroom. They came out and continued to shop. Need I say more?

Three teenage guys, dressed in solid black and wearing black lipstick, inform me that they need a book on how to make crack. Yes, crack. As in Marion Berry with the prostitutes smoking it up, crack. A recipe. They came to the bookstore and asked for a recipe to make crack. Being the calm and collected individual that I am, I laughed in their faces and informed them that the bookstore does not carry recipes for crack. They replied that it was for school; their teacher wanted them to know how to make crack. I kept laughing.

Oh My God, Can't they take the kids away?

Thanks to RitMeyer for posting this story. This delightful bit of news is so good I had to share it too.

Oct. 20, 2005 — Thirteen-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede have one album out, another on the way, a music video, and lots of fans. They are white nationalists and use their talents to preach a message of hate.

Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine. Songs like "Sacrifice" — a tribute to Nazi Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy Fuhrer — clearly show the effect of the girls' upbringing. The lyrics praise Hess as a "man of peace who wouldn't give up."
"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

Lynx and Lamb have been nurtured on racist beliefs since birth by their mother April. April home-schools the girls, teaching them her own unique perspective on everything from current to historical events. In addition, April's father surrounds the family with symbols of his beliefs — specifically the Nazi swastika. It appears on his belt buckle, on the side of his pick-up truck and he's even registered it as his cattle brand with the Bureau of Livestock Identification.

H is for Handcuffs kids

elmo went to jail yesterday. at gunpoint. he was very ashamed.

new job, magic beverage machine

i started yesterday. it's pretty good. i think i will like it in the long run. nice people, nice office, good pay and the flavia machine. i thought i had a cool coffee maker. i have a senseo, the kind where you put in pods, press the button and presto you have fabulous coffee with froth on top. my senseo is the k-mart of machines compared to the flavia. the flavia has over 100 flavors of coffee, tea, and chocolate. you pick the packet you want insert it into this little door and push a button. your drink pops out and there is not even any trash!! it's like magic!! i love it.

my mom invited me to a pampered chef party

these were the images on the invitation.
i think a lot of middle aged ladies are going to RSVP.
i also think they want lenny and not his recipe for peach cobbler.

a moment from my secret blog

Oct. 19 2005
cressida's departure is really impacting me. we are all in different places; pursuing new lives. it is so amazing but also a little sad. i posted this on my other blog but i want you guys to know how much i love you, how important you are to me.

Sept. 19 2005
i feel like we should embrace our friends and make them our "family". we get to pick them and they get to pick us. that makes the bond even dearer.

my life long friend is smart and beautiful. she has passion and drive when she chooses. i love to talk to her and discover new things and ideas with her. we have been friends a long time. together we watched our parents go through childbirth, adultry, divorce, and making it work. we have gone through middle school, highschool, college, and post grad and still we are friends. sometimes it is easy: when we debate, when we stay up late, we we just hang out and appreciate each other. sometimes it is hard: when we fight, when we walk away, when we are stuborn. sometimes it is scary: when i don't know how to help her, when i think she is really lost, when i know she is sick, when i suspect that she is scared, when she thinks i am judging her, when she believes i am trying to change her. sometimes it just is: when i tell her things i can't tell anyone else and she doesn't have to respond, when we have those honest moments and things seem alright in life and the world.
my anytime friend is the nicest person i have ever known. she cares so much about everyone else that she forgets to care about herself. she is funny and cute and lets people be themselves. she never expects things from others but is willing to give whatever she has to anyone. i really admire her. she makes it easy to be her friend. i love her and i hope she knows. i want her to succeed and to be happy. i hope that one day i will be able to give her all the things that she gives me.
my all the time friend. she is my rock. she is always there and always has advice. sometimes i want it and sometimes i don't. but she thinks i need it, so she gives it. there is hardly anything i don't tell her. she is smart and caring and has a lot of hope. i enjoy that she is not cynical or a down. in each other we have that special friend that you can always let go with. we sing karaoke and dance to britany, or lay around singing 80s crap music and disney. we share our hearts and she also shares her family when she knows mine is not working. this friendship takes the most work but it is always worth it. we are kindred spirits.
my newest friend. i have known her as long as the rest but we only really developed our friendship in the past few years. she is stunning and kind. she loves animals and boys. sometimes i feel like i know her but sometimes she is still an enigma. she doesn't share her secrets or really let me in. she has this whole part of her that is shut off. sometimes i wonder if it is shut off to me or to everyone. when she does open up, you find this mine of ideas and interests. she is smart and easygoing. she is sensitive and sometimes i forget. i hope that she forgives me. i hope eventually she lets me know her.
my oldest friend. literally and figuratively. she has played a lot of roles in my life: my mom, my roomate, my sister, my friend. i love her and her family. she is my family.

to all my friends,
i am so thankful for you.
i love you

Dear Cressida,

tomorrow you drive

you leave behind all the old

stuff you don't need

bad memories stay

no need for you to take those

but take the good ones

select carefully

sometimes the bad ones turn good

it just takes awhile

more importantly

have no regrets with your life

this is the first step

you are very brave

letting go of everything

going by yourself

i hope you find it

that peace you are searching for

good luck i miss you

what color are your undies?

Check out The Underwear Oracle

who needs logic anyway?

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

click and tell me yours!

i was tagged but i don't want to be it

I tag Aoife and L-tims and Mark “i need to get my own blog” M.
1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
Well, I looked like the Houses of Parliament for awhile so no one would have known if it was really me or really the Houses, so it didn't matter.
2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
yes. I don't want my face plastered all over cyber space. What if somebody pastes my head onto fat anna nicole smith's body?
3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
Look up dork. Do many email you?
4. Do you lie in your blog?
nope. I really was kidnapped by gypsies
5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
As in life, I am just outright aggressive
6. Do you delete mean comments?
yep. I am running a PG-13 establishment, with only occasional forays into the R realm
7. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?
Clearly written by a guy.
8. Do you have a job?
Yes, and it sucks. I would like to retire and live a life of leisure but my accountant, who happens to be my father in law, says it isn't really in the numbers.
9. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
Heck yeah! And I would move to Dubai and begin my life of leisure.
10. Does your family read your blog?
Doubtful. My friends won't read it either.
11. How old is your blog?
About 5 months
12. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
I haven't reached 1000 views at all. A little.
13. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Yep I have a secret blog. Nope I don't write about any of those things.
14. Is blogging narcissistic?
Without a doubt
15. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
No. I only have one consistent reader, Cressida.
16. Do you like John Mayer?
Yes. Why?
17. Do you have enemies?
Yep. Once a girl tried to toilet paper my house and put mean signs in the yard. But she missed and got the neighbor instead. I laughed a lot and made fun of her. She was even angrier then.
18. Are you lonely?
No. But I wish I had more people to boss around.
19. Why bother?
Why not?

check out the Enneagram

free enneagram test

it doesn't take 10 minutes. really only about 3!!

so you're saying i have ambiguous morals?

My World View

You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances. You are essentially a content person. Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards. You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

What Is Your World View?

Elizabethtown

I thought it was awesome. It is in my top five fav movies of all time. I laughed, cried, cringed , and when it was over I turned to baconscraps and said, "I want to go home." So it made me realize things about myself.
And the music rocks!

i am only half normal

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

next blog

The Story of Life When Riding a Roller Coaster

personality quiz?

My Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

tell me what you are. take the quiz and then click plain text. you can cut and paste to comments.

scenes from a bookstore: TAKE TWO

SCENE ONE
today you have a stalker. he will follow you around the store for three hours. he never says anything. he just stares at your chest and licks his lips. when it is time for you to do section maintance you will sit down on the floor to scan the bottom row of books. your stalker will get as close to you as humanly without actually touching you. then he will stand there looking down at you while you try to do your work.

SCENE ONE
you are standing at music desk, manager pops over and says "will you go stand outside the women's bathroom?" you say "why?" manager says, "remember the crazy lady with the cane? well when she busted in on the indian women it broke the lock on the door and there is a man here to fix it. and he is going to make it more secure so that no one else can do that." you say, "wow" and walk over to the bathroom door so you can explain to angry old women why there is a man in the womens room.

do you think I could have a gypsy curse?

the fam and the neighbors go on a boating trip on some lake in germany. i am in a little paddle boat with the daughter from the other fam. my brother and the son are in another paddle boat, parents on big, nice boat. kids paddling along, minding our own business when a motor boat filled with men, of either turkish or roma lineage, motor up to my boat and steal me.
this is for real!!!
they grab me and pull me into the lake and then into their boat. all the other kids start screaming as they are riding away with me. eventually, the parents realize what is going on; they have a bigger, better, and faster boat so they get me back. fifteen years later everyone always makes jokes about how dramatic my life is and what horrible luck i have. i guess, when i consider other peoples lives, mine is spectacularly weird. so my question is, do you think i could have a gypsy* curse and do you think i should get a talisman** ?

to buy your own curse try Gypsy Curses Inc.

*gypsy and roma mean the same thing. but, it is like saying eskimo instead of inuit or midget instead of i don’t know what.

**Although most Roma converted to Christianity and Islam, their religious affiliation is often supplemented by Roma traditional beliefs:
the power of curses
the existence of bibaxt (bad luck)
the power of good luck charms, amulets and talismans

please make a lid

October is breast cancer awareness month. you can make a yoplait lid for The Quilt of Hope to show your commitment to victims, surviors, and a cure!!

You can even share your lid number. Mine is 7492.

scenes from a bookstore on columbus day

SCENE ONE
you walk in at 8:45am and things seem normal. but then you open at 9:00am and you realize that things are not always what they seem. as the first person walks towards you, you smile, but not all the way to your eyes, and think, "oh holy jesus, why the f*ck didn't i call out today?" the customer asks their question, usually something ridiculous like "do you sell cliff's notes to Harry Potter?" or "who wrote the bible?" you help them and get the hell out.

SCENE TWO
you look over at the thomas the train table and see that a child is just standing there peeing. you look at the mom and think "are you going to clean that up?" the mom looks back at you and says, "i think you should clean that up." you look at her and think, "i hope your child grows up to be the next charles manson and my child grows up to be the attorney that puts him in jail."

SCENE THREE
an old fat lady with a cane informs you that she needs your "help" in the bathroom. this is never a good sign so you make sure she understands how busy you are and call a manager to assist her. three minutes later same old lady with cane and angry indian lady are standing in front of bathroom screaming and old lady is waving cane in slightly menacing manner. manager says, "ladies, i do not think this is the appropriate place for this behaviour." cane lady starts screaming that indian lady should "go back to india and get out of this country and stop using the handicapped bathroom!" indian lady then makes threats in foreign language and moves into an offensive position. fighting escalates until both women are escorted away from bathroom door and out of store. story unravels and you find out that cane lady wanted to use the handicapped stall that indian lady was using. when indian lady would not vacate said stall after several taps on the door with cane (also brandished as weapon) cane lady busted open the stall door and verbally and possibly physically assaulted indian lady as she sat on handicapped toilet. when indian lady still would not vacate after assault, cane lady came in search of assistance which is how you are drawn into scene in first place.

Dear Greece, YOU BETTER WIN!!!!

Dear Denmark and Georgia,
In normal circumstances I would never send you a picture as blatant as this. However, we are far from normal circumstances. You see, Greece are the European Champions and well, you're not. Greece is the team that I purchased World Cup tickets to see and you are not. Basically, Greece is going to win today and Wednesday and YOU are not. For today, and at least until South Africa in 2010 the above picture is all I have to say to you. So there it is. See you on the pitch.

are you a republican?

I am: 42% Republican.

"Congratulations, you're a swing voter. When they say 'Soccer Mom', they mean you. Every Democratic ad on the TV set was made just for your viewing enjoyment. Don't you feel special?"

Are You A Republican?No one scream at me until you have posted your results in the comment section!