29 December 2005
27 December 2005
they make backpacks that are bullet proof.
AH passed out in my spare bedroom on christmas night and we wrote stuff on his face with a sharpie. it was a blue sharpie.
i got a harry potter doll for xmas. it has a broom and a cape. very realistic actually.
MM is a very thoughtful friend. He called back when we texted him at 5am on boxing day.
wolf creek is a horrible movie and i want to know why it opened on christmas.
PE you are awesome. Drinking in movie theatres: BRILLIANT.
do you guys think nick, jess or both had an affair?
Cressida, thanks for my scottie PJ's. I heart them.
L-tims, come home soon. it has been forever.
february is the worst month of all.
RS? where are you? have you forsaken the small city for the land of sunshine and the arnold?
one day i will be warm. oh yeah, LB gave me a cool electric throw. Thanks!!!
21 December 2005
15 December 2005
14 December 2005
Krupnik says the display is intended to call attention to the commercialization of Christmas.
right. well, all i see is a decapitated doll with blood on her face.
13 December 2005
the lion the witch and the wardrobe is fantastic. i read the books as a kid and re-read them as an adult but, i was skeptical of the movie due to the “overt christianity/proselytizing” claims in many of the reviews. the christian symbolism is there if you know what you are looking for. Aslan makes the ultimate sacrifice, Edmund is “saved” twice—once by Aslan’s sacrifice and again by a red colored liquid which he drinks, the white witch is evil and offers immediate gratification but leaves you cold and empty, etc, you get the point.
however, the deeper message goes way beyond christian principles and touches you in a profound way, deep within your heart maybe even your soul. it is that place that yearns for a better world, that wishes for kindness and innocence. it touches you regardless of your religious beliefs because it is not really about religion. it is about love for humanity and hope that we will care enough to display the goodness that we are capable of.
i loved it, please see it.
09 December 2005
what the....? a pine cone shortage. my god, eat the leaves or something!
08 December 2005
07 December 2005
06 December 2005
This years runners up are:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas won $14,500 after being bitten on the arse by his neighbour's beagle. Mr Williams was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun at the time.
Amber Carson was paid $113,500 by a Philadelphia restaurant after she broke her back from slipping on a soft drink which she had just thrown at her boyfriend.
Kara Walton of Delaware sued a nightclub and won $12,000 after falling from a bathroom window and knocking out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
The winner is:
Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma who purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago. On her first trip, she drove on the freeway, set the cruise control at 70 mph and went out back to make a sandwich. She crashed. Then sued for the manual not advising her not to do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company then changed their manuals on the basis of this suit.
05 December 2005
Man Pleads Guilty in Horse-Sex Case
A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing in connection with a fatal horse-sex case. [in order to make this news-worthy, they felt the need to specify that this was a “fatal horse-sex case”; and why was the man only guilty of trespassing?]
James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan to have sex with a horse [dumb-ass, you are pleading guilty of TRESPASSING – couldn’t you come up with a better reason?], charging papers said. Tait was videotaping the episode [no doubt with the intention of black-mailing the horse later] when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death [oh, come on! What happened? You don’t spontaneously suffer internal injuries! Did the husband horse find out and went on a rampage? Was the (mad)cow jealous? We’ll just have to wait for the video, I guess. Don’t you just hate the media nowadays? First it was: “Your kids can die at any moment – we’ll tell you how at 11:00” Now we get “You can die from internal injuries while enjoying sex with your favorite barn animal, more on that later but, first, here’s a look at traffic”].
Tait pleaded guilty Tuesday and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors. [what about contact with horses? This guy’s lawyer is gooood.]
The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses. [just wait til the video hits the internet - horses have feelings too]
[Remember, this was a simple story about a guy pleading guilty to trespassing into a neighbor’s barn. If the horse sex is left out, here’s how it would read:]
Man Pleads Guilty
A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing.
James Michael Tait, 54, of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan, charging papers said, when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death.
Tait pleaded guilty Tuesday and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors.
The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses.
[now every time I read a human tragedy story, I will insert the words “in connection with a fatal horse-sex case” and “to have sex with a horse”. Try it, it’ fun.]
02 December 2005
30 November 2005
The newspaper said the women from Al-Baha province in south-west Saudi Arabia were impressed with the man's "good morals" and decided to marry him and live together in the village where they teach -- avoiding a tiring daily commute.
They were married in a short ceremony, and have agreed to pay the driver a share of their monthly salaries, Al-Watan said.
Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia, while men can marry up to four women according to Islamic law.
Originall,y women drivers was an unofficial ban, but it became law in 1990, when 47 women from the Saudi intelligentsia challenged the authorities by taking their husbands' and brothers' cars out for a drive. However, a recent column in the newspaper al-Watan actually blamed women for causing traffic accidents, saying they interfere too much as backseat drivers.
29 November 2005
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
fear factor made me throw up and have nightmares after i saw the animal penis roast episode. for those of you who missed it, 4 people, 4 different animal penises, 4 sticks, and one fire. they had to roast and eat the entire thing without throwing up. are you sick yet? Do you think we can sue?
28 November 2005
i cannot believe people are buying this rubbish. a man who is the former grand wizard of the kkk is calling a family who is responsible for the deaths of over 30,000 innocent villagers (in two days) "peace loving".
what is a war loving zionist? better yet, who is a war loving zionist?
and former my ass. that white hood is hanging in the back of his closet so he can take it out and remember the "old" days with fond memories.
Syrian parliamentarian Muhammad Habash welcomed what he called "Duke's wonderful visit" and said it had given Syrians "a new and very positive view of the average American."
what could be more positive than all of syria thinking that america is full of minority hating bigots? i guess after we kill all the war loving zionists we will attack woman and gay people. won't that be a beautiful day for all the "peace loving" people that Duke and Assad represent.
David Duke said the United States is "occupied" by Zionists, just like the Golan Heights. "It is not just the West Bank of Palestine, it is not just the Golan Heights that are occupied by the Zionists, but Washington D.C., and New York, and London, and many other capitals in the world," he said. "Your fight for freedom is the same as our fight for freedom." Duke said that the "Zionists" were in control of most of the American media and much of the government as well as major international cities.
god dammit, ever since those zionists occupied the USA, we haven't been able to spout anti-semitic, racist propaganda. and dammit all to hell, they also think it should be illegal for white separtists movements to have weapons. i think we should just secede.
seriously, soon Duke will be claiming that there is a "jewish conspiracy" and that Protocols of the Elders of Zion is true. and just to clarify, in this city at least, Jews or "war loving Zionists" as Duke opined, make up only 1% of the population. According to the 2001 American Religious Identification Survey, nearly four out of five District residents self-identified as Christians. This breaks down to 72% Christian, 13% stating no religion, and minor religions including 4% Buddhist, 2% Muslim, and 1% Jewish.
Duke was elected to the Louisiana Legislature in 1989.
this nut job is working to help minorities in louisiana? right. and GWB deserves a nobel peace prize.
27 November 2005
how do you "accidentally" Taser someone in the genitals? Doesn't it seem like having to bend down, extend your arm towards the genitals, make contact and then Taser is a little more complex than an accident?
but really, who cares if it was accidental? it seems to me that if you commit crimes while nude, you are taking an unnecessary risk with your genitals in the first place.
25 November 2005
South America's latest beauty queen won't be campaigning abroad for world peace any time soon, unless, of course, she's granted early parole.
Angelica Mazua, a statuesque Angolan serving five years on international drug smuggling charges, on Thursday was voted Miss Penitentiary 2005 after a six-hour contest pitting 40 women inmates from 10 prisons around Brazil's largest city, Sao Paulo.
The women, serving sentences for crimes from armed robbery to drug trafficking, were vying to be named Miss Penitentiary 2005 — a title that brings a $160 prize and a break from dreary routine.
Last year's winner, Fernanda Maria de Jesus, gained early release months after her victory, but prison officials insist the shortened sentence had nothing to do with her winning the title.
Prison officials came up with the idea of a beauty contest last year as a way of trying to boost inmates' self-confidence. Judges include celebrities, soccer players and journalists, and there are prizes in three other categories, writing, public speaking and congeniality.
who pays for this stuff?
23 November 2005
22 November 2005
17 November 2005
(FYI: Michael Jackson reportedly disciplined his chimp Bubbles by shaving his arse.)
A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
1 a : a part of the organized armed forces of a country liable to call only in emergency
b : a body of citizens organized for military service
2: the whole body of able-bodied male citizens declared by law as being subject to call to military service
1 a : a politically organized body of people usually occupying a definite territory; especially : one that is sovereign
b : the political organization of such a body of people
c : a government or politically organized society having a particular character, a police state
2 : the operations or concerns of the government of a country
3 : one of the constituent units of a nation having a federal government
4 : the territory of a state
Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary
a military force which only operates for some of the time and whose members often have other jobs
1 a country or its government
2 a part of a large country with its own government, such as in Germany, Australia or the US
what do you guys think? do american's have a constitutional right to bear arms?
St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer.
"We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.
The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said.
Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.
16 November 2005
4) Can you buy a house with a wife included
3) Are disgruntled lovers using superglue on hair and well, anywhere
2) Can you buy these items
1) Among 18- to 24-year-olds given maps:
87 percent cannot find Iraq
83 percent cannot find Afghanistan
76 percent cannot find Saudi Arabia
70 percent cannot find New Jersey
49 percent cannot find New York
11 percent cannot find the United States
I love this country.
15 November 2005
One Popbitch reader was at a Texas dinner party recently and sat next to a friend of Barbara Bush, Dubya's mother. Over the meal she confided that the Bush family only ever called the President by his rather patronising family nickname, "Junior". And that on a recent hunting trip she'd asked Barbara what George was like.
"Junior? Hmmmm..." Barbara apparently sighed. "He's not like the rest of us."
Mrs Bush's friend leant towards our source to explain.
"Here in Texas... that means he's stupid."
(FYI: Actually Dubya does have one fan - 50 Cent.
He's been defending the President from Kanye West's attacks, saying, "The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God. People responded to it the best way they can.")
14 November 2005
“god’s mistake”. He said it in a completely serious manner, like saying President Bush was elected for a third term or something that grievous in nature.
Caprice: God’s mistake?
BS: Yes. They are completely disgusting. They aren’t even symmetrical.
BS: Yes. Their appendages are in funky places and the scuttle like bugs. Their hair is matted and patchy. I hate them and wish they were all dead.
11 November 2005
10 November 2005
Almost two years after the closely watched celebrity couple split after a 43-year romance, Ken is considering a makeover in an effort to win his doll baby back. This wouldn’t be the first time Ken reinvented himself. In the 1970s and ’80s, he took up inline skating and boogied to disco tunes; in the ’90s he focused on his careers as a businessman, baseball player, explorer and rock star.
In early 2004, Barbie split with Ken and headed to a California beach, where she caught the eye of Blaine, an Australian boogie boarder.
A model parades in front of street children, some of whom are sniffing glue, in the drug-infested 'Barrio Triste' (Sad Neighborhood) in downtown Medellin in Colombia November 7, 2005. The event was organised to entertain the children by a member of a local charity that helps children in Barrio Triste by providing food, clothes and cleaning facilities. REUTERS/Albeiro Lopera
Reuters - Nov 08 8:59 AM
there are so many things wrong with this that i have decided to just let the pictures and the caption speak for themselves.
09 November 2005
it makes me shake with rage to know that someones relatives have been blown up at a FUCKING WEDDING. what kind of target is that? that is not about war, or even revenge. that is just random acts of violence and hatred. and it hurts my heart to know that our loved ones are never safe. how many more times will we have to frantically call our friends in indonesia or the mid east or new york, or london or here?!!!
this has definitely increased my level of obsession with said machine. and i just learned that there is a website from which to order even more flavours!!! i think i gonna like it here!!
08 November 2005
Why do we vote by party and not by principle? Who thinks that “you people” is ever appropriate? Isn’t that like calling a black person “boy?” It has the same connotation. So really, regardless of what you actually believe about gay rights, or even gay people, doesn’t public decorum condemn the use of “you people?” Isn't it a matter of principle?
07 November 2005
In 2004 I worked on a local election in England. I found myself hanging out with the candidate and her family. I had never met these people, I didn’t live in their country let alone their neighborhood and yet I found my self having fish n chips with them two nights in a row. They were nice, I did a lot of leafleting for them, and they had a shrine to Merlin. You are thinking that they have a shelf of Merlin statues and that I am just exaggerating for the sake of amusement. I am not. I really mean a shrine. A three foot alcove covered with Plexiglas; inside, a painting of Merlin and a small shelve for candles. Beneath the candles, a very large piece of statuary which the candidate informed me was her “most prized possession.” She bought it with her inheritance. It’s a round wooden table that seats all of King Arthur’s Knights. Statues of Guinevere, Merlin and King Arthur complete the piece. They have gems for eyes.
On the flip side of weird candidates are the weird constituents. Canvassing, literature drops, and just plain old solicitation were the activities for the weekend—before you say anything, it was not solicitation like prostitution! It was solicitation as in standing in parking lots asking people to vote, specifically to vote for the candidate I work for. I was attacked by two dogs and a man with Confederate flags on his truck told me to fuck off. You never know what you’re going to get when you “Get out the Vote.” An elderly woman asked if our candidate was pro-life or pro-abortion. We explained that he was pro-choice and she asked again, “does that mean he is pro choice or pro abortion?” We brace for verbal assault and explain that he believes that every woman has the right to choose. The assault never comes; instead this little old lady says “Thank God, I am tired of the government telling people what to do with their bodies!! And by the way, is Jesus Christ your savior?”
Part II tomorrow. Remember to Vote.
04 November 2005
what is there to say to this? i mean really, if you are the police officer who has to take this report, what do you say?
i think my mom is trapped in the body of a 16 year old. first it was naked men in my in box and now it is this. she finds this particularly hilarious because she sent it to well over 100 people and she sent it to me twice. anyway, in case you were unsure, here is some good advice: this is a scam-don't put your boobies on a cardboard box that a man is wearing on his head.
02 November 2005
01 November 2005
31 October 2005
The kids department has a table and benches. Not the kind that you or I would sit at, but the kind for kids and by kids I mean infant to around 7. So this GINORMOUS family; mom, dad, and kid sit down at the table. They proceed to unpack a full lunch from subway including foot long sandwiches for each of them with chips and a drink. Then they start eating their food and reading magazines like the bookstore is their house or something. What makes people think it is ok to couch out in the bookstore? Despite what you may think, this is not your house—go home!!!
Two kids were having sex in the women’s bathroom and someone complained. Had to send someone in to tell them that only women were allowed in the women’s bathroom. They came out and continued to shop. Need I say more?
Three teenage guys, dressed in solid black and wearing black lipstick, inform me that they need a book on how to make crack. Yes, crack. As in Marion Berry with the prostitutes smoking it up, crack. A recipe. They came to the bookstore and asked for a recipe to make crack. Being the calm and collected individual that I am, I laughed in their faces and informed them that the bookstore does not carry recipes for crack. They replied that it was for school; their teacher wanted them to know how to make crack. I kept laughing.
27 October 2005
Oct. 20, 2005 — Thirteen-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede have one album out, another on the way, a music video, and lots of fans. They are white nationalists and use their talents to preach a message of hate.
Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine. Songs like "Sacrifice" — a tribute to Nazi Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy Fuhrer — clearly show the effect of the girls' upbringing. The lyrics praise Hess as a "man of peace who wouldn't give up."
"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."
Lynx and Lamb have been nurtured on racist beliefs since birth by their mother April. April home-schools the girls, teaching them her own unique perspective on everything from current to historical events. In addition, April's father surrounds the family with symbols of his beliefs — specifically the Nazi swastika. It appears on his belt buckle, on the side of his pick-up truck and he's even registered it as his cattle brand with the Bureau of Livestock Identification.
26 October 2005
25 October 2005
22 October 2005
19 October 2005
cressida's departure is really impacting me. we are all in different places; pursuing new lives. it is so amazing but also a little sad. i posted this on my other blog but i want you guys to know how much i love you, how important you are to me.
Sept. 19 2005
i feel like we should embrace our friends and make them our "family". we get to pick them and they get to pick us. that makes the bond even dearer.
my life long friend is smart and beautiful. she has passion and drive when she chooses. i love to talk to her and discover new things and ideas with her. we have been friends a long time. together we watched our parents go through childbirth, adultry, divorce, and making it work. we have gone through middle school, highschool, college, and post grad and still we are friends. sometimes it is easy: when we debate, when we stay up late, we we just hang out and appreciate each other. sometimes it is hard: when we fight, when we walk away, when we are stuborn. sometimes it is scary: when i don't know how to help her, when i think she is really lost, when i know she is sick, when i suspect that she is scared, when she thinks i am judging her, when she believes i am trying to change her. sometimes it just is: when i tell her things i can't tell anyone else and she doesn't have to respond, when we have those honest moments and things seem alright in life and the world.
my anytime friend is the nicest person i have ever known. she cares so much about everyone else that she forgets to care about herself. she is funny and cute and lets people be themselves. she never expects things from others but is willing to give whatever she has to anyone. i really admire her. she makes it easy to be her friend. i love her and i hope she knows. i want her to succeed and to be happy. i hope that one day i will be able to give her all the things that she gives me.
my all the time friend. she is my rock. she is always there and always has advice. sometimes i want it and sometimes i don't. but she thinks i need it, so she gives it. there is hardly anything i don't tell her. she is smart and caring and has a lot of hope. i enjoy that she is not cynical or a down. in each other we have that special friend that you can always let go with. we sing karaoke and dance to britany, or lay around singing 80s crap music and disney. we share our hearts and she also shares her family when she knows mine is not working. this friendship takes the most work but it is always worth it. we are kindred spirits.
my newest friend. i have known her as long as the rest but we only really developed our friendship in the past few years. she is stunning and kind. she loves animals and boys. sometimes i feel like i know her but sometimes she is still an enigma. she doesn't share her secrets or really let me in. she has this whole part of her that is shut off. sometimes i wonder if it is shut off to me or to everyone. when she does open up, you find this mine of ideas and interests. she is smart and easygoing. she is sensitive and sometimes i forget. i hope that she forgives me. i hope eventually she lets me know her.
my oldest friend. literally and figuratively. she has played a lot of roles in my life: my mom, my roomate, my sister, my friend. i love her and her family. she is my family.
to all my friends,
i am so thankful for you.
i love you
18 October 2005
17 October 2005
1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
Well, I looked like the Houses of Parliament for awhile so no one would have known if it was really me or really the Houses, so it didn't matter.
2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
yes. I don't want my face plastered all over cyber space. What if somebody pastes my head onto fat anna nicole smith's body?
3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
Look up dork. Do many email you?
4. Do you lie in your blog?
nope. I really was kidnapped by gypsies
5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
As in life, I am just outright aggressive
6. Do you delete mean comments?
yep. I am running a PG-13 establishment, with only occasional forays into the R realm
7. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?
Clearly written by a guy.
8. Do you have a job?
Yes, and it sucks. I would like to retire and live a life of leisure but my accountant, who happens to be my father in law, says it isn't really in the numbers.
9. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
Heck yeah! And I would move to Dubai and begin my life of leisure.
10. Does your family read your blog?
Doubtful. My friends won't read it either.
11. How old is your blog?
About 5 months
12. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
I haven't reached 1000 views at all. A little.
13. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Yep I have a secret blog. Nope I don't write about any of those things.
14. Is blogging narcissistic?
Without a doubt
15. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
No. I only have one consistent reader, Cressida.
16. Do you like John Mayer?
17. Do you have enemies?
Yep. Once a girl tried to toilet paper my house and put mean signs in the yard. But she missed and got the neighbor instead. I laughed a lot and made fun of her. She was even angrier then.
18. Are you lonely?
No. But I wish I had more people to boss around.
19. Why bother?
16 October 2005
|My World View|
You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others.
You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.
You are essentially a content person.
Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior.
You are moral by your own standards.
You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.
15 October 2005
14 October 2005
13 October 2005
My Personality Is
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.
12 October 2005
today you have a stalker. he will follow you around the store for three hours. he never says anything. he just stares at your chest and licks his lips. when it is time for you to do section maintance you will sit down on the floor to scan the bottom row of books. your stalker will get as close to you as humanly without actually touching you. then he will stand there looking down at you while you try to do your work.
you are standing at music desk, manager pops over and says "will you go stand outside the women's bathroom?" you say "why?" manager says, "remember the crazy lady with the cane? well when she busted in on the indian women it broke the lock on the door and there is a man here to fix it. and he is going to make it more secure so that no one else can do that." you say, "wow" and walk over to the bathroom door so you can explain to angry old women why there is a man in the womens room.
11 October 2005
this is for real!!!
they grab me and pull me into the lake and then into their boat. all the other kids start screaming as they are riding away with me. eventually, the parents realize what is going on; they have a bigger, better, and faster boat so they get me back. fifteen years later everyone always makes jokes about how dramatic my life is and what horrible luck i have. i guess, when i consider other peoples lives, mine is spectacularly weird. so my question is, do you think i could have a gypsy* curse and do you think i should get a talisman** ?
to buy your own curse try Gypsy Curses Inc.
*gypsy and roma mean the same thing. but, it is like saying eskimo instead of inuit or midget instead of i don’t know what.
**Although most Roma converted to Christianity and Islam, their religious affiliation is often supplemented by Roma traditional beliefs:
the power of curses
the existence of bibaxt (bad luck)
the power of good luck charms, amulets and talismans
10 October 2005
you walk in at 8:45am and things seem normal. but then you open at 9:00am and you realize that things are not always what they seem. as the first person walks towards you, you smile, but not all the way to your eyes, and think, "oh holy jesus, why the f*ck didn't i call out today?" the customer asks their question, usually something ridiculous like "do you sell cliff's notes to Harry Potter?" or "who wrote the bible?" you help them and get the hell out.
you look over at the thomas the train table and see that a child is just standing there peeing. you look at the mom and think "are you going to clean that up?" the mom looks back at you and says, "i think you should clean that up." you look at her and think, "i hope your child grows up to be the next charles manson and my child grows up to be the attorney that puts him in jail."
an old fat lady with a cane informs you that she needs your "help" in the bathroom. this is never a good sign so you make sure she understands how busy you are and call a manager to assist her. three minutes later same old lady with cane and angry indian lady are standing in front of bathroom screaming and old lady is waving cane in slightly menacing manner. manager says, "ladies, i do not think this is the appropriate place for this behaviour." cane lady starts screaming that indian lady should "go back to india and get out of this country and stop using the handicapped bathroom!" indian lady then makes threats in foreign language and moves into an offensive position. fighting escalates until both women are escorted away from bathroom door and out of store. story unravels and you find out that cane lady wanted to use the handicapped stall that indian lady was using. when indian lady would not vacate said stall after several taps on the door with cane (also brandished as weapon) cane lady busted open the stall door and verbally and possibly physically assaulted indian lady as she sat on handicapped toilet. when indian lady still would not vacate after assault, cane lady came in search of assistance which is how you are drawn into scene in first place.
08 October 2005
In normal circumstances I would never send you a picture as blatant as this. However, we are far from normal circumstances. You see, Greece are the European Champions and well, you're not. Greece is the team that I purchased World Cup tickets to see and you are not. Basically, Greece is going to win today and Wednesday and YOU are not. For today, and at least until South Africa in 2010 the above picture is all I have to say to you. So there it is. See you on the pitch.
06 October 2005
"Congratulations, you're a swing voter. When they say 'Soccer Mom', they mean you. Every Democratic ad on the TV set was made just for your viewing enjoyment. Don't you feel special?"
29 September 2005
From: Jay Sekulow, Chief Counsel [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 5:14 PM
Subject: Supreme Court: End Partial-Birth Abortion
mr sekulow is a bit extreme and makes some very exaggerated claims. here is one for you to consider. if you want to read more let me know and i will email you the entire text.
"At the same time, the opposition (including Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, National Abortion Federation, National Organization for Women, Center for Reproductive Rights, and others) can bring an astonishing amount of money to the case - because the massive profits of the multi-million-dollar abortion industry hang in the balance."
American Center for Law and Justice
P.O. Box 90555, Washington, D.C. 20090-0555
Phone: (800) 296-4529
i am really curious, as i am sure you are, to know when the abortion industry became a multi-million dollar idustry with "massive profits." i would also like to know how said "profits" benefit "the opposition" which are all non profit organizations. so far my questions have gone unanswered. i have called and emailed using the numbers listed here but, i get no response. maybe today, if we all call and email we will get a response.
28 September 2005
I just found a Betty Crocker Angel Food cake mix in our civil defense bomb shelter. It must be over 20 years old. Is it okay to use?
~telephone call from Arizona, 1990
On your advice, I went ahead and made the Angel Food cake mix that we found in our bomb shelter. It rose just beautifully. You were right. It worked after all these years because it was stored in a cool, dry place.
~callback from Arizona
26 September 2005
21 September 2005
i traked the package and it was real. i called the bank and it was real. i googled the lottery company and there is nothing. i called the lottery company's US number and they transfered me to the UK branch which is only open during central eurpean hours. handy huh?
how did this place get my name, how did they get my unlisted address, and what are they trying to get from me? the whole thing is very annoying. and i am not even a real lottery winner. damn.
i guess you have to play to win. :P
In a country that is overrun with “girls gone wild” surly we should not be promoting promiscuity in six year olds? Why do six year olds need to be sexed up anyway? Britany Spears in not a good enough reason. When I was six I liked Michael Jackson and Madonna. That did not mean my parents bought be a pointy bustier and let me grab my crotch in public. It meant they bought me a record and I watched some videos on MTV when they weren’t paying attention. Then they would talk to me about how Madonna wasn’t a role model and show me stuff about Mary Lou Reton.
Today, people are dressing their children like miniature Pamela Andersons and then putting them into parochial schools that teach “abstinence only.” At six, a child can wear knee highs and fishnets, kiss boys, and talk about her boyfriend. But at 16 she can’t have access to condoms and doesn’t know the basics for protecting herself. Something is very wrong with this picture. Sexpot six year olds do not turn into sexless sixteen year olds. Who thought that was going to work?
19 September 2005
16 September 2005
So now I have a dilema. There is a whole pizza minus one piece in my fridge. Every time I think about it I see bugs. So my question is do you think I should suck it up and eat it or just throw it away?
15 September 2005
14 September 2005
Educational to say the least
Quirky lawyer, late 70s sits down next to me
Unique white suit, red bandana and hat
Oops, I caught his eye, he leaned over
Introduced himself; wants to sue the Prez
And Poppy, the Silver Fox and Slick Willie
12 September 2005
07 September 2005
06 September 2005
05 September 2005
And it makes me feel horrible that we can do so little;
That I have no way to help the survivors.
Red Cross is taking donations and
I hope that you will click on KATRINA and give.
Now that the water is receding I fear people will forget
All the suffering and loss that will take years to rebuild.
31 August 2005
30 August 2005
29 August 2005
26 August 2005
24 August 2005
22 August 2005
21 August 2005
18 August 2005
Number two, liberalism is dead.
Number three, the majority of Americans are conservative.
Number four, you can count on us showing up and speaking out.
And number five, let the church rise.
~Jerry Sutton, Two Rivers Baptist Church, site of Justice Sunday II
Mantra with my commentary
Number one, it's a new day.
this is true. amazingly, it is a new day every 24 hours.
Number two, liberalism is dead.
liberalism : a movement in modern Protestantism emphasizing intellectual liberty and the spiritual and ethical content of Christianity b : a theory in economics emphasizing individual freedom from restraint and usually based on free competition, the self-regulating market, and the gold standard c : a political philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties
i had no idea that the free market was dead, that individualial liberty was dead, that the goodness of the human race was dead, and that protection of political liberties was dead. where the hell have i been living? all this time I thought it was the United States.
Number three, the majority of Americans are conservative.
and the majority of Germans supported Hitler. as my mom says, "just because everyone else does it, that doesn't make it right!"
Number four, you can count on us showing up and speaking out.
you can show up and speak out only if your political and civil liberties are protected. two words: slippery slope
And number five, let the church rise.
is this like "let the south rise?"
this is bollocks. that is all i have to say.
17 August 2005
I wonder what tips Dr. D would suggest to save a daughter from being a lesbian?
Take your daughter to William Sonoma and Victoria's Secret. Show your daughter your boobs so that she will see that she has them too, just like you, only smaller. Put on make-up with your daughter. Teach her to bake round cheese cakes in round cheese cake pans.
To this I say:
Thank god. For a minute there I was afraid I would have to send my (potential) kids to Mercy House to "degayify" them. But now I see that with a few simple steps I too can raise non-mo, "right with the lord," children.
Thank you Baby Jesus
and thank you Dr. D
15 August 2005
14 August 2005
12 August 2005
i will be laughing for a long time.
guys, i am laughing at you. not with you.
10 August 2005
09 August 2005
The church — which considers birth control a sin — seemed to be arguing that the woman should have protected herself from pregnancy.
William Donohue, president of the conservative Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights based in New York, said the legal language was "simply code for, 'What's wrong with you, honey, aren't you smart enough to make sure condoms were used?”
A friend called me as she was walking home around 9:45PM.
Some weirdo jumped out of a bush and wouldn’t leave her alone.
I put Amy on 3-way and called 911. She told the dispatcher the problem and the dispatcher responded with “You called Arlington County, she is in Fairfax County. We can’t help you.”
Then the dispatcher gave me a 9 digit number to call.
So I am glad I had a pen.
08 August 2005
StMaryan: like the capitol building?
rachelegs: why is the capitol building
rachelegs: located in the capital
rachelegs: or capitol south
rachelegs: is in the nations capital
rachelegs: are we trying to confuse people?
rachelegs: what does that mean?
StMaryan: webster is a bastard
rachelegs: what the hell is the difference is the o or a
Function: adjectiveEtymology: Middle English, from Latin capitalis, from capit-, caput1 of a letter : of or conforming to the series A, B, C, etc. rather than a, b, c, etc.2 a : punishable by death b : involving execution
Function: nounEtymology: Latin Capitolium, temple of Jupiter at Rome on the Capitoline hill1 a : a building in which a state legislative body meets b : a group of buildings in which the functions of state government are carried out 2 capitalized : the building in which the U.S. Congress meets at Washington
05 August 2005
Today I discovered that I have $4.00 until next Friday. Then I have 2 ½ weeks until I am unemployed. At this point, I too am considering asking people I don’t know for money. I wonder what the tax issues are with that. Do solicited donations count as gifts or do you have to list them as taxable income? It’s not like I would be going out to buy 100$ jean jackets but still, technically it would be for profit.
Anyway, I am looking for a clever way to ask strangers for money. So give me your thoughts.
02 August 2005
Is he really known as that or is BBC making fun of Chinese accents?
Unauthorised Chinese versions of the latest Harry Potter book have been sold in Beijing, three months before the official translation is published. Sold for 20 Yuan (£1.40), the unofficial Chinese version was said to omit paragraphs and contain errors.
Potter readers have posted their own international translations of the latest book onto fan websites, with thousands of German versions posted fewer than 48 hours after its English-language publication.
Wow, this is some serious dedication.
On China's Tsinghua university website, a fan writing under the name Woodchuckle was so upset by Rowling's ending that he wrote and posted his own.
Ok, things may be going overboard now.
01 August 2005
“The bombings in London happened because we didn’t kill enough of those people.”
Who are “those” people?
“We run this office like Jesus and the Disciples.”
What the hell does that mean?
“The Washington Post is a communist rag!”
Anyway, so now I have to find a new job and I a little skittish. I mean what if I get hired at another office like this? But even worse, what if I don’t get hired at all? I am terrified that I will be unemployed at 25 with enough school debt to pay for a house. Well, a small house that is not in DC but you get the point; loads of debt. Apparently my office mates do not feel like I will be hired by anyone either. They have pulled up all the unemployment forms I have to fill out upon termination. I have just learned that if you are willing to stand in line, the government will pay you 60 percent of your original salary.
You know that monster.com commercial where the kids say things like, “when I grow up I want to work my way to middle management” or “I want to be a brown-noser?” You think it is hilarious when you watch but then you find yourself in a situation like this and you think, “hell yes, I will work in middle management! Heck, I will work in the Middle East if it will pay the bills and keep the debt from piling higher.”
29 July 2005
Honor: good name or public esteem : REPUTATION: a showing of usually merited respect
Power: possession of control, authority, or influence over others: physical might: mental or moral efficacy
What else did television teach us?