30 November 2005

a sad, sad day

Today, at approximately 2:45pm all blogs were blocked from my company computer. All of them, every single one.

he didn't take his tamiflu

thank god for my driver’s license and my US passport

Four Saudi women teaching in a remote village school have married their driver so they can live closer to work, Al-Watan newspaper said on Monday.
The newspaper said the women from Al-Baha province in south-west Saudi Arabia were impressed with the man's "good morals" and decided to marry him and live together in the village where they teach -- avoiding a tiring daily commute.
They were married in a short ceremony, and have agreed to pay the driver a share of their monthly salaries, Al-Watan said.
Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia, while men can marry up to four women according to Islamic law.
Originall,y women drivers was an unofficial ban, but it became law in 1990, when 47 women from the Saudi intelligentsia challenged the authorities by taking their husbands' and brothers' cars out for a drive. However, a recent column in the newspaper al-Watan actually blamed women for causing traffic accidents, saying they interfere too much as backseat drivers.

29 November 2005

in light of how much i hate the new harry potter movie i thought we could have a quiz

I scored as Albus Dumbledore
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?

can we make it a class action

A viewer has sued NBC for $2.5 million over a "Fear Factor" rat-eating episode, alleging the episode made him dizzy, lightheaded and caused him to vomit and run into a doorway. (From the Associated Press, January 26, 2005)

fear factor made me throw up and have nightmares after i saw the animal penis roast episode. for those of you who missed it, 4 people, 4 different animal penises, 4 sticks, and one fire. they had to roast and eat the entire thing without throwing up. are you sick yet? Do you think we can sue?

28 November 2005

the politician "formerly" known as a white supremacist

David Duke, a "former" white supremacist, on a recent trip to Syria claimed he represented "peace-loving" Americans who identified with "peace-loving" Syrians and their "great, peace-loving president," Bashar Assad and his family. He also said that Americans identify with Syria, because both Syria and the United States are "occupied by war-loving Zionists."
i cannot believe people are buying this rubbish. a man who is the former grand wizard of the kkk is calling a family who is responsible for the deaths of over 30,000 innocent villagers (in two days) "peace loving".
what is a war loving zionist? better yet, who is a war loving zionist?
and former my ass. that white hood is hanging in the back of his closet so he can take it out and remember the "old" days with fond memories.

Syrian parliamentarian Muhammad Habash welcomed what he called "Duke's wonderful visit" and said it had given Syrians "a new and very positive view of the average American."
what could be more positive than all of syria thinking that america is full of minority hating bigots? i guess after we kill all the war loving zionists we will attack woman and gay people. won't that be a beautiful day for all the "peace loving" people that Duke and Assad represent.

David Duke said the United States is "occupied" by Zionists, just like the Golan Heights. "It is not just the West Bank of Palestine, it is not just the Golan Heights that are occupied by the Zionists, but Washington D.C., and New York, and London, and many other capitals in the world," he said. "Your fight for freedom is the same as our fight for freedom." Duke said that the "Zionists" were in control of most of the American media and much of the government as well as major international cities.
god dammit, ever since those zionists occupied the USA, we haven't been able to spout anti-semitic, racist propaganda. and dammit all to hell, they also think it should be illegal for white separtists movements to have weapons. i think we should just secede.

seriously, soon Duke will be claiming that there is a "jewish conspiracy" and that Protocols of the Elders of Zion is true. and just to clarify, in this city at least, Jews or "war loving Zionists" as Duke opined, make up only 1% of the population. According to the 2001 American Religious Identification Survey, nearly four out of five District residents self-identified as Christians. This breaks down to 72% Christian, 13% stating no religion, and minor religions including 4% Buddhist, 2% Muslim, and 1% Jewish.

Duke was elected to the Louisiana Legislature in 1989.
this nut job is working to help minorities in louisiana? right. and GWB deserves a nobel peace prize.

27 November 2005

naked criminal

A naked Florida man was accidentally shocked in the genitals by a police Taser while breaking windows and asking women to touch him inappropriately.

how do you "accidentally" Taser someone in the genitals? Doesn't it seem like having to bend down, extend your arm towards the genitals, make contact and then Taser is a little more complex than an accident?

but really, who cares if it was accidental? it seems to me that if you commit crimes while nude, you are taking an unnecessary risk with your genitals in the first place.

25 November 2005

here she is...miss crack cocaine

what the hell is going on with brazil and beauty pagents?

South America's latest beauty queen won't be campaigning abroad for world peace any time soon, unless, of course, she's granted early parole.
Angelica Mazua, a statuesque Angolan serving five years on international drug smuggling charges, on Thursday was voted Miss Penitentiary 2005 after a six-hour contest pitting 40 women inmates from 10 prisons around Brazil's largest city, Sao Paulo.
The women, serving sentences for crimes from armed robbery to drug trafficking, were vying to be named Miss Penitentiary 2005 — a title that brings a $160 prize and a break from dreary routine.
Last year's winner, Fernanda Maria de Jesus, gained early release months after her victory, but prison officials insist the shortened sentence had nothing to do with her winning the title.
Prison officials came up with the idea of a beauty contest last year as a way of trying to boost inmates' self-confidence. Judges include celebrities, soccer players and journalists, and there are prizes in three other categories, writing, public speaking and congeniality.
who pays for this stuff?

23 November 2005

Thanksgiving with the Jones

we are not going home and i am to lazy to cook. so this is it; turkey flavoured soda. at least they have pie flavors to wash down the brussel sprout. i hope the rest of you are enjoying your turkey, baconscraps is very jealous.

22 November 2005

Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!

I thought you may need to amuse yourselves at work today. How about a little chest waxing. DO NOT click HERE if you like David Hasselhoff.

17 November 2005

Spanking the monkey

Now that Michael Jackson has fled to Bahrain, Paris Hilton is filling the "crazy celebrity with monkey" void by walking around Los Angeles with her pet primate, called Baby Luv. However, when she visited Agent Provocateur, Baby Luv went bananas, biting Paris and clawing at her face. Paris tied the monkey to a cabinet, then bought $400 of panties. Ominously for Baby Luv, she also purchased a bullwhip.

(FYI: Michael Jackson reportedly disciplined his chimp Bubbles by shaving his arse.)

just for the sake of argument

Amendment II
A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
1 a : a part of the organized armed forces of a country liable to call only in emergency
b : a body of citizens organized for military service
2: the whole body of able-bodied male citizens declared by law as being subject to call to military service
1 a : a politically organized body of people usually occupying a definite territory; especially : one that is sovereign
b : the political organization of such a body of people
c : a government or politically organized society having a particular character, a police state
2 : the operations or concerns of the government of a country
3 : one of the constituent units of a nation having a federal government
4 : the territory of a state

Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary
a military force which only operates for some of the time and whose members often have other jobs
1 a country or its government
2 a part of a large country with its own government, such as in Germany, Australia or the US

what do you guys think? do american's have a constitutional right to bear arms?

Irish stereotypes

A nursing home in Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub.

St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer.

"We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.

The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said.

Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.

16 November 2005

only in america

5) Do 47% of people think you can catch Bird Flu from eating chicken.

4) Can you buy a house with a wife included

3) Are disgruntled lovers using superglue on hair and well, anywhere

2) Can you buy these items

1) Among 18- to 24-year-olds given maps:
87 percent cannot find Iraq
83 percent cannot find Afghanistan
76 percent cannot find Saudi Arabia
70 percent cannot find New Jersey
49 percent cannot find New York
11 percent cannot find the United States

I love this country.

15 November 2005

popbitch news

It's hard to believe it was only one year ago that George W Bush was re-elected President. Since then he seems to have lost almost every single friend. Even his own family.
One Popbitch reader was at a Texas dinner party recently and sat next to a friend of Barbara Bush, Dubya's mother. Over the meal she confided that the Bush family only ever called the President by his rather patronising family nickname, "Junior". And that on a recent hunting trip she'd asked Barbara what George was like.
"Junior? Hmmmm..." Barbara apparently sighed. "He's not like the rest of us."
Mrs Bush's friend leant towards our source to explain.
"Here in Texas... that means he's stupid."

(FYI: Actually Dubya does have one fan - 50 Cent.
He's been defending the President from Kanye West's attacks, saying, "The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God. People responded to it the best way they can.")

14 November 2005

god's mistake

Baconscraps just informed me that possums are
“god’s mistake”. He said it in a completely serious manner, like saying President Bush was elected for a third term or something that grievous in nature.

Caprice: God’s mistake?

BS: Yes. They are completely disgusting. They aren’t even symmetrical.

Caprice: Symmetrical?

BS: Yes. Their appendages are in funky places and the scuttle like bugs. Their hair is matted and patchy. I hate them and wish they were all dead.

Caprice: Oh.

11 November 2005

barbie's bad cousin

maybe ken needs a new woman after all.
barbie's bad cousin may help him shake up his style.

10 November 2005

barbie and ken to reunite

for those of you who were concerned:
Almost two years after the closely watched celebrity couple split after a 43-year romance, Ken is considering a makeover in an effort to win his doll baby back. This wouldn’t be the first time Ken reinvented himself. In the 1970s and ’80s, he took up inline skating and boogied to disco tunes; in the ’90s he focused on his careers as a businessman, baseball player, explorer and rock star.
In early 2004, Barbie split with Ken and headed to a California beach, where she caught the eye of Blaine, an Australian boogie boarder.

The message here must be: you do drugs, you get babes

A model parades in front of street children, some of whom are sniffing glue, in the drug-infested 'Barrio Triste' (Sad Neighborhood) in downtown Medellin in Colombia November 7, 2005. The event was organised to entertain the children by a member of a local charity that helps children in Barrio Triste by providing food, clothes and cleaning facilities. REUTERS/Albeiro Lopera
Reuters - Nov 08 8:59 AM

there are so many things wrong with this that i have decided to just let the pictures and the caption speak for themselves.

09 November 2005

my goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is...

Ass Machine G
What's yours?

Ok, I don't really know where this headed. G I get. But Ass Machine?

Powered by Rum and Monkey.

Bombings in Jordan

this makes me so angry that i wish i had the job of catching these guys.
it makes me shake with rage to know that someones relatives have been blown up at a FUCKING WEDDING. what kind of target is that? that is not about war, or even revenge. that is just random acts of violence and hatred. and it hurts my heart to know that our loved ones are never safe. how many more times will we have to frantically call our friends in indonesia or the mid east or new york, or london or here?!!!

remember the magic beverage machine?

well today i got a company mug with my name on it!!!
this has definitely increased my level of obsession with said machine. and i just learned that there is a website from which to order even more flavours!!! i think i gonna like it here!!

08 November 2005

GOTV Part 1.5

The other side “Got out the Vote”. My candidate lost to the incumbent of ten years. She stomped her foot in the debate. She publicly claimed that when she doesn’t understand a bill, she just votes how “they” tell her too. Who are they? I don’t think they are the voters. But the most appalling is when she refers to gay and lesbian voters as “you people.”

Why do we vote by party and not by principle? Who thinks that “you people” is ever appropriate? Isn’t that like calling a black person “boy?” It has the same connotation. So really, regardless of what you actually believe about gay rights, or even gay people, doesn’t public decorum condemn the use of “you people?” Isn't it a matter of principle?

07 November 2005

Get out the Vote Part I

I spent the weekend working on a political campaign. I really love politics but I would be a horrible politician. It’s the mood swings that do me in; the whole wear your emotions on your sleeve and a temper bigger than Howard Dean’s will always keep me off the ballot. But maybe it is better that way. I don’t know if I want all those people in my house, literally. This time around “headquarters” for “Get out the Vote” weekend was in the candidate’s house. So at any given moment 30-60 people could just be chilling on the couch or the porch or trying to use the bathroom. That water bill is going to be outrageous.

In 2004 I worked on a local election in England. I found myself hanging out with the candidate and her family. I had never met these people, I didn’t live in their country let alone their neighborhood and yet I found my self having fish n chips with them two nights in a row. They were nice, I did a lot of leafleting for them, and they had a shrine to Merlin. You are thinking that they have a shelf of Merlin statues and that I am just exaggerating for the sake of amusement. I am not. I really mean a shrine. A three foot alcove covered with Plexiglas; inside, a painting of Merlin and a small shelve for candles. Beneath the candles, a very large piece of statuary which the candidate informed me was her “most prized possession.” She bought it with her inheritance. It’s a round wooden table that seats all of King Arthur’s Knights. Statues of Guinevere, Merlin and King Arthur complete the piece. They have gems for eyes.

On the flip side of weird candidates are the weird constituents. Canvassing, literature drops, and just plain old solicitation were the activities for the weekend—before you say anything, it was not solicitation like prostitution! It was solicitation as in standing in parking lots asking people to vote, specifically to vote for the candidate I work for. I was attacked by two dogs and a man with Confederate flags on his truck told me to fuck off. You never know what you’re going to get when you “Get out the Vote.” An elderly woman asked if our candidate was pro-life or pro-abortion. We explained that he was pro-choice and she asked again, “does that mean he is pro choice or pro abortion?” We brace for verbal assault and explain that he believes that every woman has the right to choose. The assault never comes; instead this little old lady says “Thank God, I am tired of the government telling people what to do with their bodies!! And by the way, is Jesus Christ your savior?”

Part II tomorrow. Remember to Vote.

04 November 2005

animal lover

Huddersfield (England) man Martin Hoyle was spotted by a passing motorist having sex with a Staffordshire bull terrier called Badger. Hoyle told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me. The dog pulled my trousers down."

what is there to say to this? i mean really, if you are the police officer who has to take this report, what do you say?

scam alert

i think my mom is trapped in the body of a 16 year old. first it was naked men in my in box and now it is this. she finds this particularly hilarious because she sent it to well over 100 people and she sent it to me twice. anyway, in case you were unsure, here is some good advice: this is a scam-don't put your boobies on a cardboard box that a man is wearing on his head.

02 November 2005